The Power of EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
 
www.carolynemccourtie.com

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Hello to you all!

Today I want to talk to you about The Power of EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION.  Particularly around the 'use of words' section of the communication model (with body language, tonality and pace making up the complete communication circle).

Some of us are prolific communicators - oops up goes my hand! ; others may struggle to find the words, or even the desire to put our thoughts and feelings into words.  With both ends of the spectrum the key question to ask is whether the way we are communicating is effective??

By 'effective' I mean that you are understood and that this happens in a way that both parties feel good about themselves and each other.  

Effective communication enables you to build rapport with another, feel at peace within yourself and enjoy a sense that things are moving forward in a way that you are happy about.  To improve the effectiveness of your communication it is worth looking both at what works and what doesn't.

These methods are as relevant for our business relationships as they are for our personal relationships.  How we inter-relate between our differing lives does not differ that much - it is more the content of what we talk about or work towards which is different.

'Telling' someone what you think or feel is actually not a good idea!  In the past I have been guilty of this, including sometimes jumping onto my high horse and tapping into the most lethal weapon of mass destruction, email!  I realised a while back that when we own and sort out our own thoughts and feelings we have less desire to 'tell' others how we are thinking and feeling about them.   The 'need' disappears, as does our desire for them to change to 'our way'! 

Instead, we communicate upon their request - which is always the more effective approach.  Or if we do feel compelled to share, we first ask their permission to do so - and accept if they do not want to engage with us without making them wrong, projecting anger or impatience at them and finding a means to tell them anyway - I think the word 'stalker' can be used in the most extreme examples!

The most powerful and effective communication approach is to seek to understand rather than being understood first.  So many times - and this relates to our desire to 'tell' others what is on our minds, how we feel etc - we want them to understand us first.  If we feel that they do not want to extend us that courtesy we can be known to introduce such passive aggressive behaviours as raised eyebrows/ voices, talking behind others backs or adopting belligerence in our attitude - which are our subversive ways to 'encourage' them to want to understand us - and all this achieves is to push the other party away and increase our own unhappiness about the situation - which may then translate to even more aggressive (now without the passive) behaviour - and we get on this ugly down hill spiral.

Offering the gift of understanding - truly understanding where they are at, rather than counting down the seconds until they have finished speaking so you can get your point across - is a far better approach.  Trusting too that when someone feels heard and understood they WILL want to extend the same courtesy - without YOU being attached to that having to be the outcome: meaning you don't give to get, as you will always end up empty handed if you do!  

Which leads into another ineffective communication approach..... going out to 'get' a response or a result.  Generally that desire to 'get' comes part and parcel with an invisible yet palpable 'pushing' energy. This can also be accompanied by physical behaviours, such as looking to cajole, coerce, repeating your request several times ( I think they call it nagging?), or raging at the other person in order to GET the result you want.  The only result you are likely to get is them walking away or emotionally shutting down from you. If you are successful in squeezing a response out of them you are likely to have irrevocably damaged the relationship in the process.

Now flipping to what to do.......  do speak from the heart.  I know that when I am feeling stressed, or pressured I run and hide immediately in the seemingly safe sanctuary of my head and then I project out of there and come across as cool, distant and very well reasoned.  This doesn't help me build rapport with the other person.  And I know I am not the only person reading this that does that.  When we speak from the heart we speak with honesty, we speak with love and respect for ourselves and the other person, and we are offering an extended hand.  This allows rapport to grow between ourselves and the other party.  Our heart gives, our head looks to get.

Picking up on the power of building rapport, another tool in communicating effectively is to mirror and match the other person with the language, style and pace of words that they use.  Now this is not about turning into a life sized parrot and rather obviously mimicking them.  This is about weaving in their favourite words, tonality, phrases into your own approach which creates a bond of commonality.  

Another key to effective communication is to seek clarity.  This is a lot more helpful than second guessing, walking away unsure or keeping quiet because you don't want to seem 'stupid'.  It is important to obtain clarity rather than respond based on what you think they may have meant/didn't mean. Without clarity you are on a path that is time wasting and de-energising as you have missed the message they wanted to convey to you. 

The power is always with the person who asks more of the questions and does more of the listening, than the person who is busy 'telling' and wants to be understood.

Know too that with communication we often hear others speak and interpret their meanings based on how WE view the world - and it may not be in alignment with how THEY do.  So we can save ourselves a lot of angst, upset or conversely feeling foolish when we check in and ask them EXACTLY what do they mean when they say XYZ; or what ABC means to them?!

It is really imperative when we are communicating to be impeccable in our words about others, whether spoken to their face or in their absence.  It is more powerful and effective for all parties concerned to speak with love and from your truth.  If you are not enjoying your interactions with another person, if you feel that what they are saying, their approach is not in alignment with your own values and how you want to be in your life - set boundaries with them about what is right for you rather than making them wrong for where they are at, and if they are not willing to respect those then do not engage with them on that topic any further.

We give rise to 'destructive communication' when we engage with another from a space of anger, upset or desire to wound - whether that be yours, theirs or both.  The best thing you can do is walk away, without responding - as communication takes two parties, and no-one does anything to you unless you let them.  So if someone says something you don't like, and you do not want to hear any more of it - walk away, do not respond in like, or expect them to understand your reasoning and therefore change to the way you want them to be.  If someone sends you an email you do not like - do not respond - and know, please know that if someone has the need to project their own negativity onto you ....IT IS ABOUT THEM, it is their issue, just as it is yours if you are the one taking that approach. 

Communication is NEVER effective when it comes from a negative emotional base - we may think we have got the result we want - however the damage that is done in the process often outweighs and becomes more of the legacy than the result!

So as you can see there is a melting pot of approaches, some to follow, others to discard in order to tap into The Power of EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION and enjoy more fulfilling interactions with better results for all parties.  Know that like everything, it takes consciousness, commitment and sometimes courage to be effective in your communication - and its worth it!

Happy chatting!

Caro :)

A Collection of dynamic power messages that guide you to tap into the infinite power inside you.
Carolyne McCourtie has emerged as a new bright and powerful voice in the world of personal development. She brings accessibility, mixed with a sense of fun to many of life's fundamental concepts that equate to you taking responsibility for yourself in all its key areas.
Do not deprive yourself of the opportunity to tap into what is already lying there inside you. Through the use of practical and relevant text supported by dynamic exercises, Carolyne will guide you on exactly how you can tap into The Power of YOU.

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Carolyne McCourtie, director of The Power of YOU, is an Executive & Personal Coach for Business Professionals, Author and Professional Speaker.  She works with people helping them identify and achieve what they want in their lives.  Her style is results focused, dynamic, practical with some laughs along the way.  She has a unique ability to tap into the power of the person and help them effect the positive changes they want for themselves in their professional and personal lives.

Carolyne's first book, 'The Power of YOU' was published late 2003, with her next due early 2005.  Carolyne works with individual clients globally, runs specialised workshops, and offers tailored keynotes to professional and school-age audiences. 

To find out more about The Power of YOU and Carolyne's services visit www.carolynemccourtie.com or contact Carolyne directly at carolyne@carolynemccourtie.com or phone 61 2 9904 1552.

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